my brain starts to think:

Hello hello hi!!!



It has been days I didn't write anything

here... too many things happened and still goin' on.Plus my mom is in hospital-C.O.P.D case. Docs r doing tests and scans on her.how I wish I was one of her docs(the cardio guy) huhu... 'Neway, let's pray for her, hopefully she'll be alright, in pink of health.. * this is one of d numerous reasons y I'm dying desperately wanna be a doctor since I was 4!

Problems are better known as our friends rather than being called as enemies. Well perhaps, they always ruin our freaking life, but somehow, they teach us something aren't they? People always say that blog is a place to spread out news/gossips/problems. Well, gotta admit it. I've once read in a Reader's Digest, there was a homeless lady, she lived in her car for almost a year(if i'm not mistaken) and she was basically...broke. Then, her glory started when she headed to a library I think or cc, couldn't remember, but what I do remember is that she built her successful+loaded pocket today from....well BLOG.she told d world about her journey of life(loaded with her massive problems n stuff) so yeah, I'm saying it is a place for u to tell ur problems, but use ur head while telling it to d world...kay?

back to my tremendously headache-caused problems, I have no idea how to solve them..because basically it freakin' involves my freakin' future! So yeah, I'm kinda like blur and stuck in a middle of a desert.. My heart goes nuts at times, and sometimes, my brain hibernates-which really affect my heart 'cause both are linked together and it seriously involves what commonly known as spirit...our inner strength.our connection with God basically.and there are times where I'm losing the sacred-pure connection with The Creator..and that scares me the most.







Problems-are a good things. they make us think rasionally-critical thinking, how to solve them without 'ruining' ourselves.It's all up to us to decide.whether or not we want to solve them with brain or with something that we call as feelings/emotions or maybe both.But right now, I don't know how to solve mine, and sometimes, I turn into this ugly scary monster(I have no idea where d hell she comes from plus I hate her) and sooner or later, I wake up. I realize I'm wrong and then, I wet my face, my hands, my head, my ears and my legs with the purest water,I wear the cleanest clothes,I put my head on the mat, and there go the tears of taubat... but...(I hate but)... I did the same mistakes again and again, astagfirullahal'azim.. whenever problems hit me, I just, freak out..My God..

I mean, I am extremely grateful that He gives me brain(although I am not an Einstein btw).I learn somethings that other people might not get the chance to learn any of 'em.that's y I really enjoy learning. I am grateful that He gives me the high spirit to motivate myself. I am grateful that He gives me the feeling of insecurity. I have feelings that have been living inside me, feeling of afraid of death, hereafter and things that normal people like me couldn't see, not yet, not until the time come.I tend to think something so bizarre and really off my brain's limits.thank God, I ain't senile or gone insane, huhu.. I don't know when it's gonna end, I don't what's gonna happen next, but one thing I hope, I'll stay on the right tract, the right path, insya Allah.

Ya Allah...
I know I make mistakes
I know I have been cruel to myself
I know I have betrayed my promises to You
and I really truly very am sorry for that
I want to love You
and I beg You to love me
I want to be in Your blessing
and I beg for Your Blessing
I am ashamed to beg you 
though I have no one to beg for
to ask for help
for strength
for love
and there is no place to go, but to turn to You 
and breathe in Your painless, endless love again, Ya Rahman...
my heart hurts when I see myself committing the sins
I admit my weaknesses
I am sorry for my flaws
I am sorry for my failure
and I am sorry I hurt myself...
forgive me dear Allah.. forgive me...
give me strength
give me hopes
give me love
give me Your endless blessings...
insya Allah,
hamba-Mu...