PhD: Permanent Head Damage

I sat down and my brain started to do its job-THINKING. and it popped a question that I took seconds to answer it, "Was I bitchy to my friends?"


After a week of holiday, life as a student started, again.. and I love being there, being a degree-holder-to-be.So what makes my brain popped such a killer question, "Was I bitchy to my friends?"


I am not a stingy person. And usually when I do something, I do it ultimately because of Allah. I try to be as sincere as I can. But, these days, I've been acting so...bitchy! (I'm not saying I'm a bitch, but my behavior is) towards my friends. I couldn't hold my temper, I was selfish and stingy, I had these bad talking in my head about my friends, I wasn't sincere, not at all. what the hell is wrong with me??


I talked to my mom 'bout this and she said maybe it's hormone thing. I am approaching pms, maybe.. Somehow I doubt that.. 1 of my friends said I'm being selfish/I'm selfish. OUCH! but I thanked her for telling me the truth. I couldn't bear to ask her in what way that I'm being selfish 'cause my mom always said that I'm being selfish when driving. My brother said I'm selfish when it comes to food/drink. So, 2nd question popped out, "Am I selfish?"


Again, what the hell is wrong with me??! Evil feelings started to creep me inside. I was jealous of my friends and I couldn't see nor hear them, saying good words or treat other people nicely 'cause I couldn't do that. It sucks man, it really does. this is not me. I am no like this.

I'm afraid if I'll lose my friends. I think they'd tried so hard, to be patient. they tried to ignore my ridiculous behavior. I just... I don't know. what went wrong.. Sometimes, I wanted to just scream at them,sometimes my mouth, God! Heart-wrenching words just came out and I'm pretty sure it hurt my friends badly. but still, they're with me. they're my friends. then 3rd question appeared. "How long can they stand me?"


I don't like me right now. the bitchy behavior has to go, disappear, please! I was stingy! not sure if I still am 'cause I'm not in the college now, so my friends are not around. so no experiment can be done to see or measure my 'stingy-ness'. God.. Am I really selfish? When driving, I always wanted to go first. I forgot about others. I saw cars coming yet I wanted to cross. Am I selfish? I had a big mineral bottle, and I drank it with my lips touched the mouth of the bottle. I forgot other people (my brother) might wanna drink it too and it'd be disgusting to drink my 'signature'. Am I selfish?


and another bitchy thing is I tend to be proud of what I've done. Like, let say I've found a solution for a very extremely difficult mathematical problem, I tend to be so proud, and wanna people to know that it was me who found the solution and I felt so hard to lend the solution to my friends. Am I stingy? Am I a bad person? Am I being selfish?


I hate people who refuse to share knowledge as Islam encourages its followers to share knowledge. the more you share, the more you gain. I used that as my guideline. I always and enjoy sharing knowledge with my friends. but recently, I found myself not sincere in sharing the knowledge, refer the example given. What's wrong with me? I became so angry when my friends asked for my solutions or want to copy my work. I don't know...
I tried to put myself in their shoes, what'd happen if I am the one who ask for the solutions and my friends make face or refuse to lend me? Hell yeah, I'll be mad or seriously hurt. so why did I do it to them??
Ya Allah.. help me, please...

I think, I need to spend more time with Him. Try to 'muhasabah diri'. I have to think that I am a human, only human. I was created from the union of sperm and an egg. sperm is produced in testes, and it has to go through pennis and 'va-JJ' to meet the egg in ovum which located in ovary.these two organs are reproductive organs and to think back, how gross it is! I am gross.. made of sperm;a tiny tadpole-like creature that swims through a pee-pathway. isn't that gross? so why on earth am I being so proud and arrogant? why not being humble?! WHY? i am just a human. dirty. gross. and why am I being arrogant?why?can't I be humble? I want to be humble. I need to be humble. Allah loves humble people. I want to be loved by Allah.

What's wrong with me? Somehow I tried to find someone or something to be blamed for and I couldn't find one except myself....
if I said, problems turn me into this monster, I've faced so many problems before, it's not because of problems. problems do not cause me to be so bitchy! everybody has problems. normal. it is abnormal to say "I don't have a problem" plus, I can't stop whining about how sad my life is. What the heck! I don't know why I did that, it was like trying to get attention and sympathy from my friends, how pathetic! I feel like a loser. Big L though..


I need to change, for the better. change to a better person, a nice girl, good girl, that says something nice to everyone and always smile. wash away the 'ketat' face and plaster a sincerely smiling-happy face. I have to change. throw away all those unnecessary temper! 7 sunnah Muhammad pbuh that are most crucial!


1)Tahajjud prayer every night
2)Recite Al-Qur'an everyday
3)Go to mosque to pray in jamaah especially Subuh.

4)Continuously in wudhu'.
5)Dhuha prayer every morning
6)Istighfar every second
7)Sadaqah everyday and sadaqah not only in the context of money but also like, saying good and nice words, smile, nice behavior, always help people.. I love Muhammad pbuh, so if I truly,sincerely,honestly,seriously love him, then I must follow his sunnah. and these 7 sunnah are most crucial ones.. Pray for me yeah.. wish me the best.. ganbatte!


take care all... tajdid!