mixed emotions

Romance. I've always love romance. 
I've never been in love with a man but somehow it strikes me. 
I'm in love. with my mother. with my brothers. with Muhammad. and ultimately, I am in love with Allah Subhanallah wataala...

I love my mother so badly. when I was a kid, there was a fernleaf (a milk brand) advertisement singing:


Ibu.. Ibu.. Engkaulah ratu hatiku
Bila ku berduka
Engkau hiburkan selalu
Ibu.. Ibu.. Engkaulah ratu hatiku


 (Mom.. Mom.. You're the queen of my heart
  when I'm sad.. You cheer me up...
  Mom.. Mom.. You're the queen of my heart)


and I ran to my mother, hugged her, kissed her and said, "I love you Ibu". I did that every single time. I don't know when it stopped but I missed that moment. I am not really a good child. I am stubborn and so stubborn, very! It gives my mother a headache all the time. (I'm not cursing my self btw) I didn't mean to hurt her in any ways but I hurt her in every way. 


I miss my mother. I've always miss her. My mother and I can't meet. We'll fight. like hell. We can't see each other. We're gonna fight, argue, yell and fight. but that makes us closer, and love each other better and deeper. Although I hurt her every time yet she'd forgive me, every time...hopefully til' the end.


I can't lose her. Not now. Not soon. Not later. Not in zillion years. I can't afford to lose her. She's my mother, and I want her to be with me all the time. 
When I'm sick, the first person I want to see is my mother.
When I'm happy, I want my mother to be the first person to know.
When I'm angry, I want her to calm me down.
When I'm in pain, she'll be the first one to ease the pain away.
When I'm lost, she'll be the first person to found me.


I remember, when I received PMR result. I struggled like hell. Alhamdulillah, I deserved what I got-straight As! I struggled to score because I want to see something. something that is too valuable and it's not everyday to see it.So I struggled and I scored.


and I saw it. I saw the face. The wonder that I've been longing to see. My mother's face when she knew my result. It was the happiest moment in my life to see her face when she got the news. I felt like time had stop ticking and everything went slow, and I saw her, crying in joy, calling her family and friends to spread the news of me success. 


I felt like I was being embraced by God. I felt like I was in the heaven..She's my angel, sent by Allah to love, cherish and protect me. She's one of Allah's ways to show His love to me. and I am grateful to have such a lovely angel as my mother. Thank you Allah...

I think I have a bitter heart sometimes. I could be a jerk. Naudzubillah but really,sometimes, I could be a jerk. Wargh! 
However, heart is not made of concrete or platinium. It's heart. It's fragile. Too fragile. It can be strong, stronger than your femur only when it suits the timing, and what you do to keep it stronger.
When the heart has been in solid state for too long, it needs to be soften up. But, by what?
I've made several experiments and yeah, I made my hypothesis and got the conclusions!


1) cry baby cry whole-heartedly. 
   Sabda Nabi Muhammad s.a.w, "Sebaik-baik tangisan adalah tangisan kerana takutkan Allah," True. And for the record, crying helps to keep us healthier. but please don't over do it. do not over crying. it'll turn you to an ugly monster with ugly eye bags!


2)Recite Qur'an. Trust me, it seriously works! no kiddin' at all. Recite Qur'an and listen to the reading. It'll melt the hardest heart! besides, by reciting Qur'an, we'll purify our black-dirty-ugly hearts, all will be wiped out!


3)Smile. but don't smile all the time. People will think you're mad or gone nuts! Smile when you're happy, smile when you're sad.
 "Senyum itu sedekah" Sabda Nabi. 
And smile when you have problems or face something horrible, try to smile. I did, although at the same time tears trickling down my face, I tried to plaster a smile, and somehow, I felt better. Still crying but I felt better, calmer and stronger. 
"Those who smile when they're facing difficulties, they're strong,"

I want tell you guys more about love but it's kinda mushy and when I talk about mushy stuff, I kinda lost because I don't have super interesting experience, it's kinda sad though, said some of my friends, but somehow, I don't feel sad. I'm happy to be friends with everyone without any commitment. totally free. I am embracing my awesomeness!
I hope to find someone-a guy ofkos, I am no gay!, and I hope there'll be no serious relationship without serious tie-the-knot thing. so like my single friend said, "Single is simple, double is trouble"  haha.. damn~ , say my double friends.. I just laughed.


So, I have to get back to my studi desk. Inche Cell bIoLogy is waitin'. On thursday, have a date with him. Hope, he'll like me and so he'll give me easy time. please..... (paper cell bioLogy, finale, I'm using metaphore here in case u guys couldn't catch it)


Wish me luck people, chaiyok!!!!!


take care~ 

L.O.V.E